Aftermath by Josan

Snape runs away from Hogwarts after the war because life is hard and he wants a fresh start I guess. Then we see him eleven years later with short hair, wearing leather and riding a bike. Yeah.

And then Ron is basically a poor muggle that was horrifically scarred by the war and now some people are using him for torture and rape on the regular. No, really. They coincidentally meet because of Mcgonagall’s squib cousing who sees auras and we also have a chance to read a detailed description of Ron’s thorn anus.

It got marginally better when I stopped trying to think of them as Snape and Ron and imagine instead some other people coincidentally named Snape and Ron.

Writing isn’t stellar either. Ron never got it on with Harry because “Harry’s het. He’s very het.” Because gay people use fanfiction terms when reffering to sexual orientations.

It’s a good thing it’s short, only about 11k words, but I didn’t finish it anyway.

WHEELS OF FIRE (THE OFFICIAL AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF HARRY POTTER) by capitain_tulip

This was funny. 

Harry wants to try his hand at writing and what better subject for a first book than his own life? Problem is, he’s bad at it. More than bad, awful even. So obviously he decides to hire a ghostwriter, who happens to be none other than Draco Malfoy.

The story opens in a publisher’s office, who takes a look at Harry’s manuscript and the badness of it hits him so hard that he’s about to fall off his chair.

There is a short pause. Mr Knobbs picks up the manuscript again with a vague look of desperation and flicks through it one last time. The look on his face grows pained as his movements pause at a certain page. It’s probably the part where the conversation between himself and Dumbledore abruptly ends because it was too painful to recall. The textbook assured him that abrupt endings to conversations were entirely theatrical and very often done, often to emphasise a particular line or point. For Merlin’s sake, he’d been advised.

I started to laugh with the first lines and didn’t stop until I reached the end.

It’s not a terribly old fic, but even so I couldn’t find a link for it anywhere else other than the wayback machine.

Isolation

We’re in ch.3 and Hermione doesn’t think to use magic to restrain Draco when he physically assaults her. Even though she has her wand and it’s pointed at him. ffs

Later in the same chapter: There’s always her wand at his chest, but somehow she ends up being the one intimidated; they have pointless conversations and try to outstare eachother. Draco makes her cry using insults.
Ch. 4: Draco has some self esteem issues. I think they are used to show us the hero’s tormented past. The bad boy with a hidden wound and so on, because we’ve never seen any exterior behaviour related to this yet. I’m starting to get bored here.

The bad boy persona is futhered by the fact that he swears a lot. That’s opposite to Hermione’s behaviour who blushed in the previous chapter after saying fuck. Didn’t see this cliche before.

Neville is here too, and he’s as bland as a handful of soggy cereal. The same can be said about Luna and Ginny and all other characters. But who needs a personality anyway when their main purpose is to serve a cardboard cutouts in the background of our tormented love story.

Then we have this:

“Ron was…Ron was her friend. Nothing more. She had hoped for more and sacrificed her innocence to him before he’d left with Harry.”

Hermione sacrificed her innocence to Ron. I don’t even know what to say to this, it’s so stupid.

“She couldn’t very well curse him every time they argued; even it was a ridiculously enticing prospect. She was a clever girl and quick with her tongue; she could handle him. She could.”

He’s, like, physically attacking her and intimidating her, and she… wants to use her tongue to make him back off? Is this an innuendo?

Ch. 5, in which Hermione is shocked that Draco Malfoy, super rich slytherin prince or whatever, who lived in a mini castle with servants and peacocks doesn’t know how to cook. I don’t understand why he couldn’t make himself a sandwich.

Also a new strategy: be nice to the bully.

Annnd of course she feeds him.

She’s making all sorts of noises in the shower and I can’t tell if she’s masturbating where he can hear or just enjoying showers much more than a normal person would.

This paragraph is also here:

He hadn’t even tried to resist the dulcet murmurs of her morning ritual this time. It wasn’t like she, or anyone else for that matter, could see him listening to her calming chorus of bathing moans. It was just too alluring…Too soothing.

Ch. 6, in which Hermione goes a little crazy. Blood is spilled.

The worst thing was he couldn’t distinguish her blood from his. It was all the same shade…and he had no idea what that meant.

Ch . 7, in which I realise these two can smell each other from across the appartment. Also Hermione finds Draco hot. Draco reads books.

“After you’ve finished the book,” she spoke slowly. “I would like you to read Martin Luther King’s autobiography.”

His brow lowered with caution. “Why?”

“I think you would find some of the concepts interesting,” Hermione offered, her eyes raking down his body from head to toe. “It’s just a suggestion.”

I just want them to bang already.